Time Traveler Apologizes for Arriving at Coup, Mistook it for Black Friday

A Time Traveler named Trett (Traveling Effortlessly Through Time), of unknown age or nationality, intending to arrive at a Black Friday shopping spree in 2005, mistakenly found himself in the Capitol Building Coup Attempt of 2021 in what he described as a “terrible mistake.”

Wearing jeans, a green hoodie and hiking boots, Trett explained that even time travelers need supplies from time to time, and intended to hit the sales as soon as shops opened. He said as a time traveler he is not allowed to take part in any political movements, and so he regrets his presence in the events of the day.

He says his first clue that he was in the wrong place was when he saw a lot of flags being waved, but assumed those were just enthusiastic fans of a brand. He admits that the building didn’t look as expected, but he said if some one has been time traveling as long as he had, it can be hard to distinguish what type of building is for what purpose. What is odd in one time era, is perfectly normal in another, and so he keeps an open mind.

“When the doors opened and we walked into the building, only then it dawned on me that this was not a store at all. People were taking lots of pictures, so my first thought was that this was a frenzied tourist event instead of a shopping experience.” He said he thought maybe people in this time were just so bored that tourist events gathered a larger following.

“Once we were well inside the building I noticed people quickly running up and down hallways, trying out chairs, desks, and small rooms. This led me to believe that this was actually a popular open house with many tiny living quarters for sale. It seemed some were claiming ownership by putting their feet on desks and writing notes on lose papers. Of course, some people went too far in claiming territory with certain bodily markings -if you know what I mean,” said Trett, shifting his eyes downward in dismay. “That’s just not acceptable in any time era,” Trett said quietly.

“I did a quick search of the name on the flag and it came up as ‘real estate’, so I then thought this was simply an open house gone mad. It’s not the first I had seen of such an event.”

Trett admits he sat in a few chairs as well, just to try them out, but found nothing to his liking. “Too stiff, and a lot of goo under the seats,” was his only comment.

Trett says it was only when he heard gun shots that it dawned on him that this was no ordinary open house. In breaking with time traveler code, he asked those around him what was happening.

“What I could gather was that these people were trying to prevent too many other people from getting healthcare, going to good schools, or getting better wages. Not that they were against those things per se, they just didn’t think every one should get them. Only people who worked very hard in certain jobs -not just any job- or had inherited millions from their great grandfathers, should be allowed to have those things. In fact, those who inherited fortunes but did not work were deemed the most deserving of healthcare, good schools and decent wages,” explained Trett.

Trett continued to say, “I asked them if they had inherited millions from their grandfather and they were quite taken aback as if that was an insult, which was not my intention. They said they worked hard for their money, but not in the undesirable jobs such as fast food, slaughterhouses or manual agricultural harvesting.”

Trett said they wanted to talk more about immigrants, but it got very confusing when he mentioned he may have met some of their great grandparents in Europe before they came over by boat. “A fresh round of gun shots ended that conversation. Which was just as well, as it wasn’t going in a favorable direction.” Trett noted, “I was happy to at least see that their teeth had better care, even if other sanitation practices had not improved.”

Trett commented it was most bewildering that the man whose name was on the flag had chosen to watch the proceedings from a TV in another building while eating a sandwich. “Seems a missed opportunity to me,” said Trett. “He isn’t a king or a pharaoh, or even a prophet. Trust me, I would know. Yet, these people seemed to worship him and be ready to die for him. Extraordinary. I haven’t seen one Cesar who would intentionally avoid an adoring crowd.”

When asked about Covid and if he had any insight into how bad it was going to get, Trett briefly panicked. He asked which of the 2020s this was. Upon hearing it was only January 2021, he relaxed and said “oh, just narrowly missed it then,” although he refused to say how narrowly or what exactly he missed. It was at that point Trett apologized for cutting the interview short, saying that he was hungry and in search of a sandwich good enough to forget everything he had just seen. “And, I know just who to ask,” Trett said as he turned and walked away from the crowd.